Social Wellness: Mind Your Manners

Something is going on.  I've been pushed and shoved. I've given gifts with no thank you.  I've tried to get by to the other said even with an "excuse me", no one moves.  Where are you manners? What happened to saying hello and good-bye on a phone call? These are the basic things we still teach our toddlers.  My grandson can't get his favorite snack without saying please so why is it that adults think the rules don't apply to them?

What changed?  Being rude seems to be the way people deal with each other.  This isn't about online etiquette.  That has its own set of rules and standards. I'm talking about old school face to face interactions and being unbasied about who gets to receive your good manners. Oddly, nepotism and favoritism is involved.  We greet those we like or those who we think deserve our attention. We see politeness in the scope of networking and not just relationship building with another human being. I'm still trying to figure out where we went wrong.

How we relate to one another is important to our self-esteem and to our overall health.  The 7 Dimensions of Wellness includes Social Health. Social health is the ability to effectively relate to others.  Its important to our health that we nurture relationships and that we learn to connect and respond to people in a healthy way and basic etiquette is a beginning.  We impact others by the way we treat one another.  There's nothing wrong with saying "Hello!" or "Good Morning!" just because they are there. Why not? Let's try it.

I've had people bump into me, step on my foot,  and try to get by me and never say excuse me or I'm sorry.  I've given of my time, talents, and treasures with no thank you.  With all of this technology, we are so disconnected.  It doesn't serve us to be unkind to each other, ever.  I truly believe if you can't take the time to check your manners, your own ego and selfishness shows up.  You've made the situation about you and only you.  You're socially ill.  Rethink it and be nice.

The project manager for a grant we have told me he really appreciated that I always say to him, "I appreciate you!"  He stated he doesn't get to hear that too often. 

We take for granted the power of a simple gesture. We have to remember those things we learned as children.

Let's take a look at this.

ALL I REALLY NEED TO KNOW I LEARNED IN KINDERGARTEN by Robert Fulghum

All I really need to know about how to live and what to do and how to be I learned in kindergarten. Wisdom was not at the top of the graduate school mountain, but there in the sand pile at school.
These are the things I learned:

• Share everything.
• Play fair.
• Don't hit people.
• Put things back where you found them.
• Clean up your own mess.
• Don't take things that aren't yours.
• Say you're sorry when you hurt somebody.
• Wash your hands before you eat.
• Flush.
• Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you.
• Live a balanced life - learn some and think some and draw and paint and sing and dance and play and work every day some.
• Take a nap every afternoon.
• When you go out in the world, watch out for traffic, hold hands and stick together.
• Be aware of wonder. Remember the little seed in the Styrofoam cup: the roots go down and the plant goes up and nobody really knows how or why, but we are all like that.
• Goldfish and hamsters and white mice and even the little seed in the Styrofoam cup - they all die. So do we.
• And then remember the Dick-and-Jane books and the first word you learned - the biggest word of all - LOOK.

Everything you need to know is in there somewhere. The Golden Rule and love and basic sanitation. Ecology and politics and equality and sane living.

Take any one of those items and extrapolate it into sophisticated adult terms and apply it to your family life or your work or government or your world and it holds true and clear and firm. Think what a better world it would be if we all - the whole world - had cookies and milk at about 3 o'clock in the afternoon and then lay down with our blankies for a nap. Or if all governments had as a basic policy to always put things back where they found them and to clean up their own mess.

And it is still true, no matter how old you are, when you go out in the world, it is best to hold hands and stick together.

 

[Source: "ALL I REALLY NEED TO KNOW I LEARNED IN KINDERGARTEN" by Robert Fulghum. See his web site at http://www.robertfulghum.com/ ]

 

 

 

Rhonda L. Bayless is the Executive Director/Founder of the Center of Wellness for Urban Women (CWUW) in Indianapolis and an HIV/AIDS advocate. Through addressing the intersection of race, class, and gender and other social determinants of health, Ms. Bayless works to empower women and their families to live healthier lives.

 

 

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Support the Woman: Breast Cancer Awareness

I am sure that the majority of us who financially support breast cancer organizations do so because we want nothing more than to support the research efforts; after all we want to know what causes it so we know how to prevent it.  Although I have very strong opinions on where the money goes, I will refrain from sharing and simply say this; know where your contributions are going. In addition, don’t simply support the “cause,” support the woman.

Here are some suggestions:

1.       Participate in screening activities in your community by offering rides to mammogram appointments.

2.       Offer to make a meal  for a breast cancer patient

3.       Offer respite to a caregiver of a breast cancer patient; caregivers need support too.

4.       Make your donation directly to a breast cancer patient so they can buy what they need.

For more ideas about ways to offer support in your community visit:

http://www.cdc.gov/cancer/breast/basic_info/prevention.htm

http://www.thecommunityguide.org/index.html

 

LaWanda Martindale, Atlanta, GA

Domestic Violence: Prospered healing

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month.  Its ironic that with so many women and men being victimized through abuse, we need a month to make people be aware and to respond.  Nonetheless, we do and it is here.

I'm a survivor.  I've been sexually and physically abused in my lifetime and I'm not alone.  I'm one of many who have experienced these traumatic, life changing moments.

 One in four (25%) women has experienced in her lifetime. 

My abuse came from intimate partners.  One partner felt rejected when I ended the relationship and felt he had the right to hit me and the other partner didn't like me challenging his infidelity.  Both situations were very traumatic. I never thought I was the "type" of woman to have this experience.  In my ignorance of what domestic violence really means, I was arrogant and was one of those, "it can't happened to me", people.  But what is most important is that I understood its impact.  I knew I couldn't allow these experiences to damage me, harm me, or continue to fester within me.  Healing had to occur and not just physically.  My self-esteem was effected.  My approach to relationships was cautious and I wondered if I didn't know how to pick healthy, sane men.  I blamed myself.  What did I do wrong?

Nothing.  I did nothing wrong.  Nothing.

I choose to be a survivor.  I choose healing. I choose to release all of the hurt and trauma from those experiences.  I choose not to be bitter and angry. I choose to forgive those men.  I choose to be open to love.

Prospering in your healing is living in joy.  Its no longer dwelling in the victimization. I am not those circumstances but they are a building blocks for my greatness. I know that I'm stronger, not because I experienced it, but because I fought to come out of it.

We have to be aware that many of our friends and family members have experienced or will experience some form of intimate partner violence. We respond to this with love and understanding.  We offer support.

Be aware.


 Rhonda L. Bayless is the Executive Director/Founder of the Center of Wellness for Urban Women  (CWUW) in Indianapolis and an HIV/AIDS advocate. Through addressing the intersection of race, class, and gender and other social determinants of health, Ms. Bayless works to empower women and their families to live healthier lives.

Domestic Violence Resources

http://www.icadvinc.org/
http://dvrc-or.org/
http://www.thehotline.org/

Baby, PPD and Me

Having a baby is one of the most amazing and beautiful experiences in life.  The ability to carry, nurture, birth, love and raise a child is truly a gift.  As with any gift, being a good steward of the gift is important.  That is one of my governing truths as a parent and it is the lens in which I reached out for help when I was diagnosed with postpartum depression after the birth of my son.

My pregnancy and the birth of my son was a joyous occasion.  My husband and I longed for and prayed for a child.  When we found out we were pregnant, it was a celebration for us and our family and friends.  Our son could have not have been born in a more welcoming community.  We were blessed with five baby showers, jobs that were incredibly supportive and flexible.  We found a wonderful, safe, affordable for us, fun daycare that our son stayed in from the age of 8 weeks until he started kindergarten.  We were members of a church community that loved and supported him.  I don’t think the child’s feet touched the floor of our church his first two years of life. 

We gave birth, brought our beloved home and then started this new life together.  Intellectually I was ready.  I’m a reader, a gatherer of information – so I read books, surfed the web, talked to women I respected (and some I didn't just to learn what not to do) to get the lay of the land.  I knew what to expect when expecting, what I didn't know was what to expect after expecting.

My first night home after everyone had left and my husband and son laid down for a nap I just remember feeling so incredibly scared like there was some impending doom ahead of me and I would face it sooner than later.  

A lot is made in our culture about using fear to your advantage, face your fears and all that.  I was in no position to face that fear and turn it into anything positive.  It was a strong opponent and I had no resources to face it.  I found myself consumed with being scared and self-doubt.  My husband was so natural and self-assured in his role as a parent.  He was the one the doctor handed the baby to when my son first appeared in the world.  In those early hours and days in the hospital unless my son was eating, he was in his father’s arms.  Since my family was out of state, we took lots of pictures those early days and weeks to send to family.  My aunt called me one day and said, “those are really good pictures of the baby and Greg, but can we get one of you with the baby”.   Instead of celebrating my husband and his success as a parent, everything that he did reminded me of how lacking I was.  How the hell could I take care of baby?  I never baby sat as a kid, barely even knew how to change a diaper.  What on earth did I get myself into?

Going back to work felt like a relief to me.  Finally, back in my own element.  I know work, I know my job, I’m good at my job there is no fear, no self-doubt there.  For some women, returning to work is difficult.  I was so happy to be able to get back to my routine.  The eight hours at work was a reprieve but once I got home and back to the baby, all of the negativity started back.

The last straw came one morning when my husband was giving my son a bath.  To this day, I don’t remember the conversation.  I just remember being so mad and grabbing something and throwing it.  My husband who had my son’s legs in one hand and a washcloth in the other – gestured at me with the washcloth hand and said “We’re going to see the doctor, today”.

I called the doctor, got in told him what was going on, how I was feeling, how I wanted to feel and got the help that I need.  My doctor was an incredible resource.  For me, I needed to stop breastfeeding in order to start taking anti-depressants.  In addition to the anti-depressants he recommended group and talk therapy.

I felt so relieved to finally KNOW why I was feeling the way I was feeling and there were resources out there to help me through my postpartum depression.

My depression.  Not my new mommy blues.  Not my sleepy mom brain.  Depression.  It’s a diagnosis for a disease that for me was treated with medication.  I was not, am not a bad mother.  I was a woman who just had a baby and found herself struggling with serious anxiety that could have jeopardized my ability to take care of my baby.  Yeah, I had a place to live, yeah I had a great husband, yeah I had maternity leave and health insurance and I had post partum depression.  There is nothing in post partum depression that makes it only something that middle class or white women experience.  We do ourselves and our families a disservice by minimizing mental health issues.  Our God is an amazing God, and yes, while prayer changes things – I believe that doctors, medicine and therapy can change things.

Our community does not stigmatize other diseases, we should not stigmatize mental illness either.  The number of people who expressed doubt about Miriam Carey’s post partum depression based on her work as a dental hygienist or the car she drove or how she looked, show that we still need a great deal of education about mental health.  Post partum depression can look like Miriam Carey, God rest her soul, it can look like me.  It can look like anyone.

Check out www.mamsonbedrest.com which is a great resource for women of color dealing with post partum depression.

Lisa Coffman