Mean Girls! Bullying In the Workplace and its Impact on Your Health

My oldest daughter is a junior in high school when she comes home to tell me that she's quitting the soccer team. I'm confused and suspicious. Anne loves soccer and has played every year since the age of 5. After some probing into why she made this decision, I discover that the source of her issues are a couple of soccer teammates who are unhappy about her successfully making varsity. Instead of welcoming her to the team, a key senior player makes a comment implying that she did not fairly earn her position and that she was only on the roster because they needed the diversity.

She tries to let it go and play her position on the team anyway. However, after a few weeks of sabotage (ex. not passing her the ball when it was strategically the best option) and social isolation, Anne quits. I support her decision and agree not to go have a talk with the team coach. But I do advise her that her troubles are far from over. "These same mean girls will grow up and become your co-worker or even worse, your boss. When you've got bill bills to pay, quitting isn't always an option."

Bullying doesn't stop with kids!

Forbes makes an interesting connection between school aged bullies and workplace bullies and finds that "in addition to intimidating their victims, they may spread rumors to tarnish a coworker's reputation, or fail to invite an employee to a key team meeting." The Workplace Bullying Institute estimates that up to one-third of employees may be victims of workplace bullying, "a systematic campaign of interpersonal destruction that jeopardizes your health, your career, the job you once loved. Bullying is a non-physical, non-homicidal form of violence and, because it is violence and abusive, emotional harm frequently results."

While bullying is not limited to one particular gender, men are more likely to be equal opportunity bullies, abusing both men and women. However, women tend to favor bullying other women 70% of the time. Why? Gary Namie, Ph.D and co-founder of the Workplace Bullying Institute explains that "They're often less confrontational when attacked...They tend to turn their backs on bad behavior in a way that men might not."

Raising Awareness

During the month of October, schools and organizations across the country come together to observe National Bullying Prevention Month with the goal of encouraging communities raise awareness about bullying and cyberbullying, its prevalence and its impact on the health and safety of our children. I applaud this effort. However, children who bully other children do grow up and often continue their behavior in other areas of society. I would like to see the campaign expand to include bullying in the workplace.

The impact of workplace violence goes far beyond the individual being targeted. Businesses suffer in both productivity and morale. Families suffer the second hand stress in addition to the economic consequences of a caretaker having to either navigate a hostile work environment or quit altogether.

3 Things You Can Do.

1. Know your workplace policies on bullying and other forms of harassment. 
2. Take responsibility for the energy YOU bring to the workspace. 
3. If you or someone you know is being bullied at work, try to find alternatives to quitting. The Workplace Bullying Institute is a great place to start. 

The Myth of the Superwoman

As I sit here in pain, unable to participate in the activities I’d planned, I had an epiphany.  The shame and guilt I feel are ridiculous.  Those feelings cropped up because I started comparing my life to my friends’ lives.  Somehow sitting on the couch was making me falling behind as if we were all in some competition.  

I also started thinking about other friends who pushed themselves until they ended up in the hospital.  They too have chronic medical conditions.  They too have Superwoman Syndrome.

What is Superwoman Syndrome? 

It is the belief that we as women have to do it all.  If we don’t do it, fix it or handle it then the world as we know it will cease to exist.  I’m using dramatic language, but this condition requires it.  Ask for help?  No, that’s a sign of weakness.  Superwoman doesn’t ask for help!!

Times have changed

When I was younger, the women in my community helped each other.  The kids would congregate at a different house on the weekends.   In retrospect, it was probably to give each other a break.  They planned events together.  They carpooled all the time.  There was always some sort of interaction between them.  Positive interaction. 

This sense of community is needed now more than ever.  The information age has brought with it a need to be everywhere and everything to everyone.  However, we can take control of our lives.  What are some of the ways we can learn to lean on each other?

Self-care is self-love.  You have to take care of yourself first.  If you aren’t 100%, then you can’t truly give to others.  Find time to recharge doing the things you love whether it is reading, taking a walk, exercise, etc.  You may find that the first step is to rediscover your passions.

Respect one another.  Honor each other as women.  This is our common ground.  From there, get to know each other.  Listen and share your stories.  Our lifestyles may be different, but at the end of the day we all want to be understood.

Resolve conflicts.  You want to be considered mature and wise?  Learn how to resolve conflicts in a productive manner.  It is important to understand different perspectives.  The result may be that you agree to disagree, but this is possible without harboring resentment and bitterness.

Look for ways to serve others.  A small gesture can go a long way.   Maybe you notice someone appears weary.  Make an extra portion of dinner and deliver it to them.  You could send them flowers or a hand written note.  Most times, we just need an empathetic ear and someone to reassure us that it’s going to be alright.

These are just a few ideas off the top of my head.  Share other ways that we can build a stronger community or how you have achieved this yourselves.

Stand Thus Like a Tree - On Living in Balance

I panic when my yoga instructor begins to guide our class through the Tree pose. I'm flexible. But I struggle with keeping my balance on the mat and in my day to day life.

"Stand thus like a tree on the ground. This is called "Vriksha-asana", say's the Yoga Sutra's.

I stand up straight and place my right foot on my left thigh. I let go and my body begins to sway before my hands can say "Namaste". Next comes the anxiety about swaying. Then the falling. Like many times before, I retreat into the resting position on my mat. But in my mind, I'm still falling.

***

Life can often feel like walking a tightrope, each of us trying to our best to keep our footing. I used to believe living in balance meant struggling to walk this tightrope without swaying. Now I understand that the more we struggle to remain in balance, the less we really are. 

Living in balance is not the ability to maintain a state of harmony that requires us to give every area of our lives equal portions of our time and energy. It's not the ability to juggle our careers, our families, our friends, our health, our faith, and our dreams without ever dropping a ball. Instead, like a tree in the wind, we sway, having the presence of mind to do whatever needs to be done at that moment to stay on the rope. Sometimes working, sometimes playing, sometimes resting, sometimes giving, sometimes receiving, sometimes loving others, and sometimes loving ourselves.

Like all lessons we fail to master, I return to yoga practice and the same challenge presents itself. 

"Stand thus like a tree on the ground". 

I stand up straight and place my right foot on my left thigh. I let go. I sway. But I don't fall.

Help, Please!

I admit it!  I have a difficult time asking for help. I view it as a deficiency on my part although we have all received help at some point in our lives. No one was born with infinite knowledge and resources. It had to be learned; given to us. Somewhere, at some point, someone gave us a helping hand.  On the flip side, I also don’t want to be a burden to anyone.  You know, people rolling their eyes or sighing when you walk in a room.  

However, I’ve been talking to some very wise people and doing a lot of soul searching.  I’m proud to announce that I’m experiencing a change of mind and heart.  There is no shame in asking for help.  I still have to fight feeling like a burden or failure, but those thoughts don’t equal reality.  Asking for help is OK!  A sign of wisdom AND maturity. 

This new revelation also diminished the Superwoman complex.  I wouldn’t mind being Wonder Woman with the fancy belt and invisible jet, but that’s another post.  Chronically speaking, I’ll even ask for help when experiencing a lupus flare.  Sometimes I need help running errands or moral support.  Many times I need the help to avoid having a flare in the first place!  My life coach called it proactive care and flare care. (catchy, huh?) 

Need examples? 

Proactive care:  Instead of climbing up the shelves at the grocery store, I’ll ask someone taller if they can get that box of cereal for me. 

Flare care:  Instead of trying to be “productive” at home when I’m having a flare (tripping, stumbling, dropping things and hurting myself in the process), I’ll call a friend for a lively chat.

Radical concepts!  In conclusitory*, think before you say “call me if you need anything,” because your phone may ring!

(*I know conclusitory isn’t a word, but it sounds good.)

 

Baby, PPD and Me

Having a baby is one of the most amazing and beautiful experiences in life.  The ability to carry, nurture, birth, love and raise a child is truly a gift.  As with any gift, being a good steward of the gift is important.  That is one of my governing truths as a parent and it is the lens in which I reached out for help when I was diagnosed with postpartum depression after the birth of my son.

My pregnancy and the birth of my son was a joyous occasion.  My husband and I longed for and prayed for a child.  When we found out we were pregnant, it was a celebration for us and our family and friends.  Our son could have not have been born in a more welcoming community.  We were blessed with five baby showers, jobs that were incredibly supportive and flexible.  We found a wonderful, safe, affordable for us, fun daycare that our son stayed in from the age of 8 weeks until he started kindergarten.  We were members of a church community that loved and supported him.  I don’t think the child’s feet touched the floor of our church his first two years of life. 

We gave birth, brought our beloved home and then started this new life together.  Intellectually I was ready.  I’m a reader, a gatherer of information – so I read books, surfed the web, talked to women I respected (and some I didn't just to learn what not to do) to get the lay of the land.  I knew what to expect when expecting, what I didn't know was what to expect after expecting.

My first night home after everyone had left and my husband and son laid down for a nap I just remember feeling so incredibly scared like there was some impending doom ahead of me and I would face it sooner than later.  

A lot is made in our culture about using fear to your advantage, face your fears and all that.  I was in no position to face that fear and turn it into anything positive.  It was a strong opponent and I had no resources to face it.  I found myself consumed with being scared and self-doubt.  My husband was so natural and self-assured in his role as a parent.  He was the one the doctor handed the baby to when my son first appeared in the world.  In those early hours and days in the hospital unless my son was eating, he was in his father’s arms.  Since my family was out of state, we took lots of pictures those early days and weeks to send to family.  My aunt called me one day and said, “those are really good pictures of the baby and Greg, but can we get one of you with the baby”.   Instead of celebrating my husband and his success as a parent, everything that he did reminded me of how lacking I was.  How the hell could I take care of baby?  I never baby sat as a kid, barely even knew how to change a diaper.  What on earth did I get myself into?

Going back to work felt like a relief to me.  Finally, back in my own element.  I know work, I know my job, I’m good at my job there is no fear, no self-doubt there.  For some women, returning to work is difficult.  I was so happy to be able to get back to my routine.  The eight hours at work was a reprieve but once I got home and back to the baby, all of the negativity started back.

The last straw came one morning when my husband was giving my son a bath.  To this day, I don’t remember the conversation.  I just remember being so mad and grabbing something and throwing it.  My husband who had my son’s legs in one hand and a washcloth in the other – gestured at me with the washcloth hand and said “We’re going to see the doctor, today”.

I called the doctor, got in told him what was going on, how I was feeling, how I wanted to feel and got the help that I need.  My doctor was an incredible resource.  For me, I needed to stop breastfeeding in order to start taking anti-depressants.  In addition to the anti-depressants he recommended group and talk therapy.

I felt so relieved to finally KNOW why I was feeling the way I was feeling and there were resources out there to help me through my postpartum depression.

My depression.  Not my new mommy blues.  Not my sleepy mom brain.  Depression.  It’s a diagnosis for a disease that for me was treated with medication.  I was not, am not a bad mother.  I was a woman who just had a baby and found herself struggling with serious anxiety that could have jeopardized my ability to take care of my baby.  Yeah, I had a place to live, yeah I had a great husband, yeah I had maternity leave and health insurance and I had post partum depression.  There is nothing in post partum depression that makes it only something that middle class or white women experience.  We do ourselves and our families a disservice by minimizing mental health issues.  Our God is an amazing God, and yes, while prayer changes things – I believe that doctors, medicine and therapy can change things.

Our community does not stigmatize other diseases, we should not stigmatize mental illness either.  The number of people who expressed doubt about Miriam Carey’s post partum depression based on her work as a dental hygienist or the car she drove or how she looked, show that we still need a great deal of education about mental health.  Post partum depression can look like Miriam Carey, God rest her soul, it can look like me.  It can look like anyone.

Check out www.mamsonbedrest.com which is a great resource for women of color dealing with post partum depression.

Lisa Coffman 

The Rode to Happiness

 

Is Selfishness the Key to Happiness?

 
In talking with one of my friends last night, she mentioned that my focus on my happiness and self-care. I will not repeat the past and I have to have the courage to deal with and to heal from my own darkness. Nothing or no one will stop this process. I deserve the beauty of my Spirit to shine and for life to embrace me like a mother’s hug.

Freedom is mine and I must be fearless. I will never overcome my past if I live with fear and with bitterness. I must apply my beliefs to my own life. Truth to power, truth to movement, and truth to happiness is the way. It’s never about perfection but a love of self that is unmoved even when challenged. I give myself permission to be happy.

When I decided that my life will be different and that I will be happy, I developed what I call my “freedom plan”. I had to take action to regain my happiness.

• I’m honest. I was/am honest with myself even if it hasn’t been in a positive light. We cannot ignore our internal anger, bitterness, and strife. We must be honest about who we are and where we are in our lives at any given time. We mustn’t fear the monsters that we see.

• I must ignore my ego and focus on me. In sharing stories of triumph we need to remain humble. The work isn’t over. The Universe celebrates with you and hopes you’re in a better position to address other external and internal barriers to happiness. It’s about growth.

• I returned to therapy. After a series of emotional and stressful moments came about, I noticed that that I could not get a handle on them. Stress began to affect my body. I was sick. I was gaining weight. I’ve committed myself to therapy for as long as it takes and feel no shame or secrecy.

• I’m accepting of love. I found myself rejecting love from friends and family. I coping negatively. If I rejected love, I didn’t have to worry about anyone disappointing me or leaving me. I rejected any potential romantic relationships. The thought of rejection was unbearable. Now, I’ve opened myself up to all love, in all forms. I deserve it.

• I pray. I meditate. I believe in something greater than myself. My spiritual health has to be healed and nurtured.

Happiness is an internal journey. Self-care is a vehicle to that happiness. Don’t afraid to be selfish. If it gets you to a better place then it’s worth the ride.


 Rhonda L. Bayless is the Executive Director/Founder of the Center of Wellness for Urban Women  (CWUW) in Indianapolis and an HIV/AIDS advocate. Through addressing the intersection of race, class, and gender and other social determinants of health, Ms. Bayless works to empower women and their families to live healthier lives.

This blog also appears:
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New eyes behind old glasses

From the Austrialian "Racism makes me sick" Campaign

We've been doing a lot of education around stereotypes in our house these days. My 11 year old busted out with a tired impression of what he thought an Italian person to sound like when he held his fingers up and said "Fuhgett about it". Hub said, "What was that?". 11 year old said, "that's how Italian people talk". "Really?", I asked him. "So, how many times have you ever heard Toni say that". Toni is my girlfriend of over 20 years, amazing artist, woman, friend and proud of her Italian heritage. "Toni is Italian?", 11 year old asked. "Yep", I said, reminding 11 year old that when Toni finds out about that he will get cut and that's not a stereotype, that's just how mom and her girlfriends roll.

If you're close enough to me to be in my life and know my son, you can cut him as a member of my village to help him grow into a decent man. 11 year old took a step back and that has been the catalyst of a lot of our discussions lately about where stereotypes come from, how they get here, and why it's important to blow them up. Good ones (Asians are smart, Gays are creative, etc.) as well as bad ones.

It's easy to size people up on what you think you know about them or people like them. It's also easy to put folks in a box based on how they look. We all do it. Even the most progressive and conscious among us. Hell, I do it - as much as I try not to. Last Wednesday I headed to aerobics class and our regular teacher was out. There was a woman in the front of the room dressed in high end workout gear, hair put back in a neat ready to sweat bun and she was stretching. I knew she was our interim leader - until a tattooed, head-scarf wearing, light-skinned Nell Carter look a like walked in with tights and a flashdance off the shoulder tee came in. "Y'all ready to sweat", she yelled, "I'm filling in for Miss T". Done. I've seen Nell in class before but never paid attention to her because I'm usually up front near the instructor so I can watch her feet and hear, on account of the fact that I'm getting old and hearing and seeing is key while I'm getting my work out on.

Work was tough that day, I was tired and so when I saw Nell, I thought ok here's an easy hour. Honey, when Miss Thing turned that cd on and we started warming up to Soulja Boy, I knew all of my assumptions were out the window. Nell was loud and fast and limber and loves hip hop, because we slapped our booties during a step routine to Flow Rider's "Low", kicked out a trifling boo during an aerobic dance to Beyonce's "Irreplaceable" and slowed it down during yoga cool down to who else Luther? It was an awesome workout, and I am ashamed to admit that I wrote the instructor off before the benefit of one second of her skills, solely due to how she looked.

It got me thinking about what is the picture of wellness? There is no guarantee that the food in the hemp tote with the Whole Foods logo is any healthier than the purchases in the plastic Walmart bag. Someone's $1,000 drum circle retreat may work just as good as an in-home dance party to Shalamar. No judging, just do.

Living a life of wellness and health is going to look different based on who we are, where we live, what we know and what we are willing to do. This spring I'm going to work on busting up all that I think I know and look at things with new eyes. New eyes behind old glasses.

Lisa Coffman

Lisa is a long time supporter of CWUW, a mother, wife, and HUMAN.

Being Mentally Well

May is Mental Health Awareness month. From the beginning, CWUW has always understood the importance being mentally healthy has on a person's total life and well-being. Unfortunately, in some communities, just bringing up the topic of mental health is difficult but we must break the silence.

Mild and even clinical depression is something that many women suffer from in silence and feel that this is just how women are suppose to feel. It is not our lot in life. We don't have to suffer from depression and we have to actively work to heal ourselves by being proactive in getting assistance, locating resources, and talking to others about how you're feeling.

What happens in the mind, effects the body. Stress has an effect on the immune system, the heart, the digestive system and more. It effects us at the cellular level. When we are going through depression and stress sometimes its accompanied or followed by physical illness.

Remember, what you eat also can effect your mental wellness. Stay away from sugary and fatty foods.

For more information about Depression and your journey to healing, check out this website.

http://helpguide.org/mental/depression_tips.htm

Mental Health Benefits of Exercise

You'll be surprised to learn what exercise and fitness can do for you!

Do you think exercise is only good for developing a lean body, strong muscles and a strong heart? Well, think again about Health and Fitness! Physical activity has been shown to help with being emotionally and mentally fit also.

While the majority of fitness research efforts focus on the physical and health benefits of exercise, there is a growing body of work demonstrating that exercise promotes wellness and mental health. Researchers at Duke University studied people suffering from depression for 4 months and found that 60% of the participants who exercised for 30 minutes three times a week overcame their depression without using antidepressant medication. This is the same percentage rate as for those who only used medication in their treatment for depression.

You don't have to be suffering from a clinical or diagnosed Mental Illness to get substantial mental health benefits from exercise and fitness. One study found that short workouts of 8 minutes in length could help lower sadness, tension and anger along with improving resistance to disease in healthy people. Many people exercise to boost confidence along with reducing anxiety and stress, all of which contribute to psychological health and well-being. So, exercise can be viewed as a preventative or wellness activity that may actually help prevent physical and emotional conditions. By the way, even short bursts of activity help individuals feel better, which means that you don't have to spend hours at the gym to gain real mental health benefits.

Judith Easton, personal training director and instructor in mindfulness meditation at Galter Life Center in Chicago, noted one reason for the feelings of well-being that are generated during and after exercise: the body's natural release of endorphins. These chemicals released by the brain are the body's natural painkillers and can lead to an increase in feelings of happiness. "Exercise leads to an increase in energy and to better sleeping patterns, which may also explain why it is so helpful to people with depression. Low energy and poor sleep are common symptoms of depression."

Clinical psychologist Eliezer Margoles, Ph.D. stated that feeling joyful and the pleasure of being in one's body is very beneficial. He urged people to "take time out, and instead of saying no to exercise say no to something else." He also cautioned against a "punitive mindset" in which some people engage during exercise, viewing it as a task or punishment instead of a pleasure. Instead, he recommends that you view movement as an affirmation of living and a function to maintain wellness.

Meditation and yoga, though more nontraditional, also lend themselves to using the body to achieve optimal levels of mental health. Both "answer the need to have down time along with the need to quiet down and look within" according to Judith Easton. This is especially important, she noted, because "in the year 2000 people absorb more information in one day than a person in the 1400s absorbed in an entire lifetime". Easton noted that "technology, including cell phones, faxes and computers, along with the mentality of moving quicker and constantly doing things, tends to lead to people forgetting that this inward focus is necessary and vital to mental health". Yoga participants often say they feel more centered and calm, along with the physical benefits of stretching and building strength.

"Mental Health Benefits of Exercise" was written by Jennifer C. Panning and published in the Find Counseling.com (formerly TherapistFinder.net) Mental Health Journal in November, 2000.

http://www.findcounseling.com/journal/health-fitness/

Factsheet: Depression in the Workplace

Clinical depression has become one of America's most costly illnesses. Left untreated, depression is as costly as heart disease or AIDS to the US economy, costing over $43.7 billion in absenteeism from work (over 200 million days lost from work each year), lost productivity and direct treatment costsⁱ. Depression tends to affect people in their prime working years and may last a lifetime if untreated. More than 80 percent of people with clinical depression can be successfully treated. With early recognition, intervention, and support, most employees can overcome clinical depression and pick up where they left off.

Know The Facts

• Depression ranks among the top three workplace problems for employee assistance professionals, following only family crisis and stress ii.

• 3% of total short term disability days are due to depressive disorders and in 76% of those cases, the employee was female iii.

• In a study of First Chicago Corporations, depressive disorders accounted for more than half of all medical plan dollars paid for mental health problems. The amount for treatment of these claims was close to the amount spent on treatment for heart disease iv.

• The annual economic cost of depression in 1995 was $600 per depressed worker. Nearly one-third of these costs are for treatment and 72% are costs related to absenteeism and lost productivity at work v.

• Almost 15% of those suffering from severe depression will commit suicide vi.

Employees Attitudes Towards Depression

• Often times a depressed employee will not seek treatment because they fear the affect it will have on their job and they are concerned about confidentiality.

• Many employees are also unaware they have depression or they fear their insurance is inadequate to cover costs.

• Most employers will refer a depressed employee for help if they are aware of the symptoms. 64% of NMHA Survey respondents said they would refer an employee to an EAP health professional ^vii.

Learn to recognize the symptoms of clinical depression

No two people experience clinical depression in the same manner. Symptoms will vary in severity and duration among different people. See your doctor* if you experience five or more of the following symptoms for more than two weeks:

• Persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" mood.

• Sleeping too little, early morning awakening, or sleeping too much.

• Reduced appetite and/or weight loss, or increased appetite and weight gain.

• Loss of interest in activities once enjoyed, including sex.

• Restlessness, irritability.

• Persistent physical symptoms that don't respond to treatment (such as headaches, chronic pain or digestive disorders).

• Difficulty concentrating, remembering, or making decisions.

• Fatigue or loss of energy.

• Feeling guilty, hopeless or worthless.

• Thoughts of suicide or death.

* As a first step, a thorough physical examination may be recommended to rule out other illnesses.

Help Is Available

National Alliance for the Mentally Ill	1-800-950-NAMI
National Depression Screening Project	1-800-520-6373
DEPRESSION/Awareness, Recognition and Treatment Program, The National Institute of Mental Health	1-800-421-4211
National Depressive and Manic Depressive Association	1-800-82-NDMDA

Reprinted with permission from Mental Health America