To me, a butterfly represents beauty, change, simplicity, sensuality, femininity, acceptance, and peace; concepts that I have finally embraced. Initially, a butterfly is what some may consider an ugly caterpillar but with time and dedication, it becomes a unique and beautiful creature a natural wonder. After getting through some tough times, a butterfly just reminded me of myself. I had to take time to deal with and appreciate my past and embrace what I knew I could become-Butterfly.
When asked to contribute to this blog, I was honored and excited that Rhonda actually thought I could inspire others just by sharing my story.
Instead of sharing my physical and emotional transformation all at once (which would be way too long to read and you would probably lose interest) I am going to be very methodical and give it to you one day at a time, after all, this is how I am learning to live my life.
I believe in self-disclosure, which has been instrumental in my spiritual, emotional, and physical healing. I am addicted to food and struggle with depression. For me, the combinations lead me down the path to being labeled morbidly obese, diabetic, and depressed.
February 1999 is when my weight spiraled out of control and looking back, when my depression started. I had just come out of a difficult marriage, was raising 3 children alone, working weekends on night shift, and trying to finish out my last 6 months of nursing school. This is when food became my best friend and I can remember struggling just to get out of bed in the morning. I found comfort in food because food did not judge me, question me, doubt me, or need me for anything…food comforted me. I ate when I was happy, sad, bored, tired, energized; you name the emotion, I ate. My weight soared from 175 lbs to 220 by May 2000, which made more sink more into a depressed state. Because I was the only parent my children had, I knew I had to push on so I once again I buried my feelings…
After nursing school I made a commitment to lose weight, after all, I was a RN and I knew what I needed to do to get the weight off (yeah right). I joined weight watchers and a gym (for the 1st time). I lost about 20 lbs and was feeling really good about myself but I did not stick with weight watchers or exercise because "life got in the way." It was also during this time I started to speak with the first lady at my church about my feeling so sad. According to her, I “failed in my marriage because my husband and I were unequally yoked.” She suggested that I go before the church and “ask for forgiveness.” Needless to say, I thought that was a bunch of (S)ugar (H)oney (I)ce (T)ea. Next step, run away…to Indianapolis.