Saturday, June 7, 2008
I recall the first time I admitted to being bulimic was immediately after my mother died in 2004. I had an "episode". I went to a gas station, bought chocolate donuts, chips and a hostess fruit pie along with a bottled water. I walked back to my car, binged, then purged the food and I felt GREAT. Actually, I felt relieved. The stress of my mother's death and impending funeral was getting to me. This episode wasn't the first and actually wasn't the last but it was the moment when I recognized that I'm a bulimic.
For a black woman to admit to an eating disorder was difficult. Many black women view having an eating disorder as a "white woman's issue". We don't do that, right?. Well, we do. I'm not the only one. There are plenty of black women who suffer from Binge Eating Disorder. Its all very troublesome and healing needs to take place.
My control issues are very connected to my body image issues and my bulimia. I've learned that when I feel out of control, bulimia is my coping mechanism. Its comforting. It allows me to be in control and is calming. As much as a bulimic hates the illness, you haven't learned another coping mechanism so this is like a teddy bear.
Bulimia has never made me thin. If anything its slowed my metabolism and harmed my digestive system. Nothing good has come from it. I'm in recovery and it is a daily battle that I'm winning. Its important for me to reach out to other women, especially black women, who are embarrassed by their bulimia. Don't be afraid to seek help. You must. Bulimia can be a deadly illness.
Take care of yourself. Seek treatment.